There'll Be Days Like These, Momma Said...

It has been a long time since I've posted anything, and there is a valid reason for that. I think it's valid, and if no one else thinks it's valid, they can choose to not read.

First things first. I took a week to visit my superhuman sister and spend time with her adorable boys. Many of you know that she lives in San Diego, AKA paradise.

 I got to surprise her older son and attend his first Student of the Month assembly. He got an excellent peacemaker award. I am beyond proud. Knox is such a lover and such a gentle soul. He is everyone's friend, and his mom and dad teach him so well. I want to be half the parents they are some day.

He is the super cute boy, second row, left side, with the button on his hoodie!

After his assembly, he ran to me, threw his arms around me, and said, "Auntie Aimee, I'm so glad you could be here!" I wouldn't have missed it for anything in the world.

Then there is his adorable little brother. Everett is a firecracker. He reminds me so much of my sister at his age. He's curious, incorrigible, and loves to learn about everything. He loves nature, animals, bugs, and will stop to show me everything he sees and learns. His favorite movie is Minions, and his favorite TV shows are Beat Bugs, Little Einsteins, and Paw Patrol. Every toy flies, and every toy also saves the world. His imagination is boundless, as is his love for his family, especially his big brother. He wants to do everything Knox can do!

While I was helping my sister and having the time of my life with my boys (yes, she allows me to share custody), I got a phone call regarding a job interview I had right before I left town. I had interviewed with an LDS insurance company based on a recommendation from both my bishop and my Stake President. This gentleman has been in business for 20+ years in Fresno, has a reputable company, and my sister-in-law worked for him for a number of years. She left his company due to some difficult working conditions, so I was a bit wary, but having not had a job for eight months, I decided to take the interview.

My interview went extremely well, and the company owner wanted me to come back in for a second interview. I explained that I'd gotten the news of my nephew's award last minute and decided to come and celebrate with him, so that I would be unable to come in until the beginning of the next week and apologized for any inconvenience. He asked if I would be available by phone, to which I answered yes. He gave me a date and approximate time he would be calling, so I made myself available.

That time passed on the appointed day, so I assumed he had decided to hire someone else. I've gotten pretty used to that, so I went on about my afternoon. At about 3:30PM, which is crazy time with toddlers and a kindergartner, I got a phone call, and he offered me the job, starting the following Monday. I was ecstatic! I called my husband, my family, and told them the good news.

My sister cut and colored my hair to get me ready for this new adventure. I went and bought some work essentials at Target, and Scott and I celebrated my new job in style in conjunction with Valentine's Day.

Notice that my hair is fixed and I have on makeup! We went somewhere sort of fancy, I ate salmon, and it was a great night! My sister called for an update, and I told her that there were nice people there, that I was pretty sure I could learn the job quickly, and that it would be a great way to put food on the table and hopefully still get through college, which is my main goal.

As the week went on, I noticed that there were some problems in the work environment. Having been bullied at work, I recognized that the senior account representative wasn't too happy to have me around. After all, I took her sister's job. I asked for training, for opportunities to shadow and assist her, for any work she might have for me to do, and was pushed away each time. I heard her talking about me to her mother, who happened to be the receptionist, and I was left to train myself .I'm a smart cookie. I trained many hundreds of people and wrote course material on a national level in my previous jobs, so I knew that I could figure it out.

First I familiarized myself with the industry jargon. Then I asked the other account manager to sit with her and learn what I could. I filed case paperwork, I answered phones, and then on Friday, I knew that someone needed to know that the previous issue regarding workplace hostility was not resolved. I spoke to the co-worker I grew to trust and asked for advice. She said I needed to talk to the owner, express my concerns, and ask for help. I knew in my gut that I needed to do that before I even asked her.

After lunch, I asked him if he had a few moments. As a trained facilitator, as a woman trained to diffuse difficult situations, I went through all the steps to have a difficult conversation and sat down. I discussed the issues I uncovered in the workplace, told him that I was uncomfortable but that I liked the job and found what I was learning to be intriguing. What happened next still is one of the most shocking conversations I have ever had at work.

He told me that not everyone can come to work each day and be miserable. He stated that I am not one of those people, and that he would pay me through the end of the day and find someone to take my place. He would say that this was a temporary part time job and that I could leave. He said, "I don't do drama, and this is drama." I continued to try and explain that I wasn't about drama, that I enjoyed the things I was learning, and that I wanted to continue working. He wouldn't hear of it and let me go.

Devastated, I left. I didn't let him see my devastation. I didn't let him see me cry. After all, there's no crying in baseball. There's definitely no crying in business.

With no job, no money, and non prospects, I went home. I called my husband and informed him of the situation. I called my mom and fell apart. Then I went to a friend's house and tried to figure out why I failed.

Here's the thing - I didn't fail. I went to work on time, kept a great schedule, learned quickly, and performed exceptional work while I was there. I can look in the mirror in the morning and know that my integrity is intact. I know I did the right thing by reporting workplace bullying. My conscience is clear.

I spent last week feeling like a complete failure. I suffered from multiple anxiety attacks. I knew that I couldn't help provide for my VERY small family, and if I couldn't provide for a very small family, how could I ever foster or adopt children? That seemingly insignificant incident almost broke me.

I am so grateful for a bishop and a Stake President who listen to the spirit and listen to me. I went to talk to my Stake President because I didn't feel I could sustain this man as a member of the Stake Presidency after what had happened. He gave me very wise counsel, He then asked, what's your next step? I told him that I had always wanted to go back to school, but I felt I would be a burden on my husband if I did so. He said, "Why don't you let Scott decide that?" Then I went to talk to my bishop. I needed to let him know that our financial situation would most likely be getting worse and that I didn't know what to do. He asked me, "What's your next step?" I told him the same thing, that my desire is to be an English teacher, but that I feel selfish doing that when my husband works so hard. He told me about his journey to become a doctor. He started med school at 28 and there was a man in his class who was 57. That man always wanted to be a doctor, and he decided that he would never forgive himself if he didn't follow his dream.

"Aimee, you're young," he encouraged. "If you don't do this now, in five years, you'll still have no degree and be in a job that you hate. Do it now. Things will fall into place."

After having had two leaders tell me the same thing after having not talked to each other at all, I decided that now is the time. It's time (again) to be a poor college student. It's time to finally follow my dream and be an English teacher and starving writer. I can't believe I'm doing it.

Now I'm anxious that I won't be good enough, that I won't make it. Yet there is this little voice inside me that says I can. Then I think of those little adoptive children. Those future beauties that are waiting for me to get my act together, and I know that having an education will make all the difference to them. And that gets me through the hard days. I can do this.

Hormones! I've got Hormones!

Hormones and Menopause - DISCUSS!

My success rate with hormone replacement therapy has not been that great since surgery. First, my OBGYN forgot to put a hormone patch on me post-surgery, which I didn't notice until a week after surgery. I came to my mom, who was graciously helping us out (AKA cleaning my cluttered TINY apartment), and said, "Mom, I feel crazy." She replied that I should have a hormone patch on my hip and promptly made me drop my drawers in my front room to find it. Needless to say, it wasn't there, hence the craziness.

As an aside, I thought the anti-nausea patch that the anesthesiologist put behind my ear was my hormone patch and, as a result, had been walking around with it on for a full week. So stylish.

I called the doctor and made an appointment for the next morning, where I learned that my Obamacare plan didn't cover hormone patches, just old school pills. I just wanted to not be the mean crazy lady, so I took what I was given. I was STILL crazy, just not as crazy as I was without hormones. 

Back to the doctor I went, and there was a new mom in the waiting room with the cutest new twins. As I quietly admired them and secretly hated her guts, I barely made it to the scale before I was a sobbing, ugly mess. (This is the real reason I see a female OBGYN. Sobbing, screaming, crazy women don't scare her as much as they would a man.) She gave me more kleenex, doubled my dose, and sent me on my way.

A week later I was out of pills (thank goodness it wasn't birth control!) and even crazier. I spoke with one of the office gals, Leah, who was nice enough to let the doctor know about my dilemma. Commence horrendous problems! The doctor ordered an estraidol blood test to prove to the insurance that my body wouldn't absorb pills, which (surprise) came back low. She then called in a prescription for the patch, and it was rejected by the insurance. My pharmacist is awesome, and filled out his side of the forms and got them back to Dr. Reddington's office the same day. Then I had to call my insurance and have them fax the other portion to Dr. Reddington as well. 

I got my patch today, and my bargain basement co-pay was $85.00. Retail is $200.00. Thank goodness I pay for insurance? I guess? But the good thing is I AM A NEW WOMAN. I FEEL SO NORMAL! I didn't think I would ever feel healthy or normal again. I want to cry because I have been up since 9:00AM today, and I was up and doing things all day yesterday, too. It's a miracle, no joke! The coolest part is that I put the patch on at 3:00PM and by 5:00PM, I felt like a normal human for the first time in ten years. TEN YEARS, people! I want to cry just typing that.

This is The Important Thing

 I missed out on ten years of my life because I just went to my regular doctor with pelvic pain, and I was referred to an OBGYN who said I had PCOS and put me on birth control. When I returned the next year with continued pain, and worsening pain during sex, I was told that I wasn't doing it right. Feeling defeated, I just got pap smears when needed and lived in exhaustion and immense pain for 10 years. If I hadn't gone to the emergency room thinking that I had appendicitis, I can't even imagine what would have happened. If you are sick, if you are in pain, if it doesn't get better, be persistent! Get a second, third, and fourth opinion! Spend as much money on your health as necessary, because not living, just existing, is not worth all the money you'll spend working to get better. 

Each new doctor I'd see, each time I'd tell my story AGAIN, and each time they'd poke and prod AGAIN, I became more sure that maybe it was in my head. But it wasn't. It was in my ovaries. They were making my whole body sick. I was so sick that I couldn't work, I couldn't keep plans with friends or family, and I spent every dime I had trying to get better. I tried Eastern medicine, I tried every new fad, every new diet, every new concoction, all in hopes that I would feel better, and I never did. And it wasn't until my ovaries were the size of softballs and had started to become cancerous that I knew it wasn't in my head. 

To those of you struggling, listen to your body. DON'T GIVE UP. Advocate for your care. Pray to Heavenly Father to lead you to the right medical professionals, no matter what kind they are, and then make getting healthy your full time job. 

I am so grateful to feel normal. I'm not, nor will I ever be, a size 4 beauty queen. I'm not queen of the crossfit gym (let's be honest, I'd rather write, read or sew...), but I am normal, and I shed tears of gratitude to be normal today. 

We have NEWS people.... And I give Brooke's Vlog a free plug

NEWS! We have NEWS!

Sometimes I don't know how far to let people into my life, but I want people to know that if I can do this, they can too. So here goes nothing.

I was wrongfully terminated from a job in May 2015 and have been working on an EEO complaint since that time. I also was the main income and carried our insurance. It was a huge blow to not only my ego, but my identity and our finances. Since then, our rent has been raised twice, and my unemployment just isn't enough to cover all our expenses.  ObamaCare just isn't cheap people, even with subsidies.

I have applied for approximately 50 jobs, most of which I am too qualified to work, but I'm not picky. At the same time, it would have been near impossible for me to take a job after October 11 and until a few weeks from now because I can't even clean my house, much less work a full-time job.

The most promising job was working immigration with the Department of Labor. My applictation got referred for selection, and with my background in customer service as well as my Spanish language skills, I knew I was a good candidate. Then our lovely President froze all Federal hiring.

So aside from crazy menopause stuff and adjusting to fake hormones, crying attacks, believing that I really need a straight jacket, running to my old bishop's office for hair ties in the middle of sacrament meeting because hot flashes are REAL and they are NASTY, and constant insomnia and/or night sweats, I applied for a couple of jobs. I haven't said anything to too many people because I apply for jobs and nothing happens. It's my awful groundhog day. (Which I actually told my bishop.)

At any rate, I got an email from a reputable company who found my resume online asking me to apply for a job. I thought, what the heck. Now, as a policy, I NEVER apply for jobs when I get the email saying, "We saw your resume online and would love to hire you." Most of them are commission-based sales, and NO THANKS! But something told me to apply. I completed their online application, complete with a salary request and submitted it. Then something said, email the head hunter who asked you to apply, so I did, thanked her for the offer, and let her know that I'd applied for the position.

Long story long, I got an email that I've advanced to the next portion of the process! So I answered the tricky survey questions, and now they're making sure I'm not a psycho.

All of this came tonight after I had to have that heart to heart with my husband that, even though he's been at the same job for a long time and is attached to his clients, it won't support a family, which is never a fun conversation. It's also devastting to watch the man you love be miserable and feel like all he deserves is a job that won't pay the bills when he has the most brilliant mind for business. So I mention that he needs a new job about every six months, and I pray every day that SOMETHING will help him see that he is worth so much more than a pittance and a toxic work envvironment. He's a great insurance guy, he believes in doing the right thing for people, but he's just stuck. He could sell ice to an eskimo in winter, you know? He's brilliant. UGH.

Okay, so that's all for today. If any of my 50 +- readers knows of the perfect job for my quirky husband in Central California, drop it in his lap.

VLOGS and Adoption

A dear friend of mine  (I actually used to babysit her) does this incredible vlog with her husband and son. Her story is amazing. I watched her vlog today, and she made me cry. She too has known loss and pain, and she and her husband just became first-time foster parents and are hoping to foster to adopt. Check it out here. She has the best outlook on life and will inspire you to do better and be better. Isn't that what we all want? To do better and be better? So let's do it!