So Now Let's Get Down to the Real Stuff...

In September,  I saw a new OBGYN. My mother in law and sister in law recommended her, so I grabbed some Xanax and went. Due to my PTSD, going to the lay doctor is one of my least favorite things and triggers all kinds of nastiness, so I went prepared, and my mother in law went with me and waited in the waiting room.

I saw the nurse practitioner who explained that the cysts on my ovaries were the size of softballs, drew me some diagrams, looked at the CT report, and said, "Let me grab Dr. Reddington really quick. I think she needs to see this."

About 30 seconds later, the nicest woman I think I've ever met popped into the room, said, "Hi, I'm Dr. Reddington and I understand you're having some pain. I think  you need surgery to remove those cysts."

And a one and a 2 and hysteric sobbing - "But I want kids! I know this is going to be cancer! The same thing happened to my mom when she was my age and it was all precancerous and she had a hysterectomy. I just got married, and I want to have kids."

"Calm down, Aimee. Eighty percent of the time we go through this with no problems. I'm ninety percent sure that you don't have cancer."

I proceeded to make my wishes known that I did NOT want my organs removed because I wanted kids, that we were going to just drain the cysts and call it a day. Before I knew it I was scheduled for surgery twelve days later.

After surgery, in extreme pain, my husband told me that my left ovary had torsed and become necrotic, as had all the tissue surrounding it. I lost a lot of blood, but my doctor successfully resected the other cyst, cleaned up the endometriosis, and sent specimens for pathologic analysis.

I was heartbroken, I was mad at God. I had prayed that everything would be okay, and it was not okay. Why was this happening to me? I go to church, I pray every day, I do gospel study every day, I attend the temple, I even work in Primary, even though I'm burnt out.

Yet I become sick with mono, get fired for being sick (that's a long story), get over mono, get a sinus infection, go to the ER, and find that my ovaries are so big they could burst. I thought I had hit rock bottom. It couldn't get any worse, right?

Something you need to know

The amount of strength and grit required to recover from an open abdominal surgery is above and beyond anything I have ever experienced. I couldn't get out of bed alone, couldn't even make a bowl of cereal for myself, couldn't drive for weeks, and forget working or cleaning the house. I was stuck in bed with dry cereal and Diet Coke to keep me alive until Scott returned from work.

I went back to the doctor with my lovely chauffeur, (my mother), for my first post-op visit. Dr. Reddington said that things were healing well. Then she got quiet. And when a talkative, warm, caring health care professional gets quiet, things are not good. She said, "I think the other ovary needs to come out." 

Of course the room became blurry, I shrieked and let out a sob that I didn't think I was capable of sobbing. My mother, crying at the same time, held me as Dr. Reddington explained that I had borderline surface tumors on both ovaries, which are tumors that may or may not become cancerous. In my case, one of those nasty suckers began to invade my left ovary before it died. My worst fears realized, she confirmed the various options with me - going to an infertility specialist to see if I could harvest my eggs and do IVF later, speaking with an oncologist, or just removing the ovary. 

The Hardest Decision I have EVER made

I said that I would speak with an oncologist before any surgery, but I knew that, physically and financially, I couldn't do IVF before 35, so there wasn't a point in extracting eggs and freezing them.

I left that office and cried more than I may have ever cried in my life, including when I left my ex-husband.

I spent the next month on my knees praying for guidance. I had my husband, Scott, give me blessings, I talked to a dear friend of mine who has an adoptive daughter about all that adoption entails, etc., and one day it occurred to me that this was an opportunity, a rare gift - the gift of health. The oncologist gave me a 40% chance of developing cancer within the next ten years, and I realized that I would rather have a healthy, vibrant life with my husband, family, and friends, than have a child because I waited, get cancer and die. 

For a while I felt incredibly selfish. Sometimes I still do. But I want to enjoy my life with the man I love. I want to finish college. I want to adopt beautiful children and give them a loving home where they can thrive and have the life their birth parents cannot offer them. That's when I realized, this isn't selfish, this is how God's plan works. We get lemons, so then we cut them up, throw them in a Diet Coke, and move on. This will make me stronger, give my life flavor, and help me become more like my Savior.

Caveat

This does not mean that I don't have days where I cry. This also does not mean that I sometimes get upset at birth announcements, young single mothers who keep their babies, and people who say nothing because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm human. I break down. But I know that if I can ask the Savior to make it through one more day that because of His Atonement, He can carry me through. I know he can ease my heavy burden, and I know He is the one who will help Scott and I find those children that I know need to come to my family. 

So if you are weighed down by something that has no solution in sight, lean on the Savior. He can help you find the solution and ease your burdens as you keep pushing forward, one month, one week, one day, one second at a time. He will be right next to you. Don't give up!