Happiness is...

Sometimes when life gets hard, when I want to crawl in a hole and eat M&Ms forever, I force myself to look for something good in my life. I look for something to stop the proverbial hemorrhaging so I can come out of the hole and maybe eat some dinosaur chicken nuggets.

I spent all week in bed unless I had a doctor's appointment or labs. I bled all week. I cramped all week. I almost puked when I stood up - all week. It was so much fun.

I learned on Friday that I have two thyroid nodules that need biopsies and suspicious adhesions around my uterus.

The only reason I kept my uterus was with the hope that I could do IVF with donor eggs. And then I bled all week.

I had a job interview on Wednesday. I had to reschedule for Thursday because I was having ultrasounds done. No one wants to go to a job interview after having nodules and adhesions poked and prodded, especially trans vaginally. Kids, if you don't know what trans vaginally means, don't ask. It will scar you.

I woke up on Thursday in so much pain I couldn't stand up, so I tried to reschedule my interview again, and of course, that didn't happen. Who needs a job as Handi Ride dispatch anyway, right? Who needs a job, period?

I really brought my best this week.

Then I looked back in hindsight, and I saw tender mercies all around me. The Lord gave me little miracles to keep going just one more day. I decided I couldn't go into next week without acknowledging the miracles in my life.

On Wednesday I went to see a friend. Her son entered the MTC that day. I'd gotten him a couple of ties and some socks. He loves camouflage, so I bought camo wrapping paper and bright orange string to wrap the gift. My friend excitedly showed me that he'd used the tether string from his package to mark his luggage and was grateful it could be hunter orange. It brought a smile to my face.

Thursday night, my husband bought me dinosaur chicken nuggets, mint M&Ms, and peanuts. I wasn't kidding when I said that I could crawl in a hole and eat M&Ms forever. The night before I ate chocolate chips because I didn't have anything else sweet to eat. He could've told me to eat the boneless skinless chicken breasts we have in the freezer or that I could eat regular gluten free chicken nuggets, but he got me dino nuggets because they make life more fun! And the peanuts? When I was a kid, my Grandpa Barkdull always had a glass jar of Planter's Peanuts by his chair. I stole a handful from that jar whenever I got a chance. I love peanuts. I asked Scott to get me some for the baseball game. I was expecting a small container, but I got a jumbo size jar of peanuts!

Friday was the Fresno State baseball game. I was too sick to go, so Scott went alone. He didn't complain at all that he had to go by himself. He left me with my peanuts and M&Ms and went to the game alone. He surprised me with a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's, which I didn't eat, and then didn't complain that I didn't eat it. He just put it in the refrigerator.

Today was our Stake Women's Conference, and I really wanted to attend, but I still was not well enough to go. Devastated, I called my mom and cried. She consoled me. She currently has a banged up face, banged up knees, and probable concussion because she fell on Wednesday night while trying to fulfill her church calling and talk to me 10 million times at the same time. But she didn't say one word about how I was monopolizing her time. She told me she was sorry that I am still having health problems. She told me how unfair it is that I can't live my life the way I want to live it and that I should be able to enjoy myself. She told me that she prays for me and fasts for me and would take my burdens if she were able to do so.

This afternoon, Scott got my Shamrock shake out of the freezer and we watched The Great British Baking Show (that could be completely wrong, by the way) together. After one episode, I went back to bed. Later in the evening, He came in to check on me, and we talked. I'm still learning how to grieve the loss of biological children, and he is a great sounding board. He is a wonderful listener.

After I told him what I am feeling and what I think I might need, he told me he supports me and supports my decisions. This was the greatest tender mercy of all. Knowing that he trusts me and supports me in all I do is miraculous. Finding him was miraculous. I thank God every day for him because I thought I would never be worthy of a partner who shares my burdens, trusts my judgment, encourages me to follow my dreams, and wants me to succeed and be happy. He loves me for who I am, would never want to change me, and challenges me to do better, be better, and love myself more.

Sometimes when I am in the depths of despair, when my trials bog me down, when depression tries to swallow me whole, I forget that there is still good in my life, that life is beautiful, and that there is always something better than the bad I see around me. I'm so blessed to have a Savior who reminds me that life is beautiful. The sun always comes through the clouds, and I can always look forward to a brighter tomorrow. Happiness isn't dependent upon wealth, social status, health, number of friends, the size of my house, or how many children are in that house. Happiness is solely dependent upon recognizing the Lord's hand in my life.