Twas the Night Before Surgery

Tomorrow is a monumental day. Tomorrow marks the end of a year-long healing process. It marks the end of one of the worst years of my life. Tomorrow I undergo my last of three life-changing surgeries. Tomorrow I have a robotic total hysterectomy.

Hysterectomies are for old women. Patients I normally see at work who have hysterectomies are my mother's age. They've had children, their children are grown, and they don't need their equipment anymore.

A hysterectomy was never part of my life plan. I always wanted to grow up, go to college, become the best starving writer/English teacher in the history of starving writing English teachers ever known, and have at least 5 children, most likely six to eight. That was the plan.

After putting off college to put one husband through school, getting divorced at 29, providing for my own needs for almost four years, getting remarried, and continuing to help provide for my family, school became an idyllic dream, something I longed to complete but never thought would be a realistic goal, and despite my best efforts, children just didn't come. I always thought, I still have time. I can always do IVF or IUI. It will work out.

When I got remarried, I wanted a family more than anything, but I wanted to make sure my marriage would work. Once it was working, we decided to start working on a family. That was when I found myself in the emergency room, sure that I had appendicitis, only to find softball-size ovarian cysts instead.

Reassured that they could be removed and my reproductive organs spared, I agreed to outpatient surgery, understanding that I might have to undergo a laparotomy and be admitted to the hospital. Anything to start my family, I thought.

After I woke up from surgery in the worst pain I had ever endured, I learned that I'd suffered a traumatic oopherectomy, but that my other ovary was spared. I tried to stay positive. Little did I know, I was at the beginning of one of the most painful journeys I would begin in my life.

Shortly thereafter, I would learn that I had malignant nabothian tumors that were well-contained and caught early. In short, I had cancer and needed more surgery. On December 30th, I had my last ovary removed. Time did not allow for egg retrieval. My plans for children, forget six, not even one child, ended that day. Against other surgeon's advice, my doctor followed my wishes to keep my uterus. I still preserved some hope that I could carry a child through egg or embryo donation.

By some miracle, I began working for my doctor in March. I heard a baby's heartbeat in utero for the first time. I found myself helping others who faced scary situations and cuddling babies who had just come from Heaven. It was the perfect situation.

Less than a month after starting my new job, a scary, familiar pain returned and I began bleeding every two weeks for a week at a time. I knew something was wrong, so I talked to the doctor. After she examined me, we discussed the bleeding, dying elephant in the office - the last result. I needed a hysterectomy. This procedure would not be like any normal hysterectomy. Due to extreme endometriosis, a complicated anatomy, and adhesions from previous surgeries, I had two options - open laparotomy or robotic surgery with the gynecologic oncologist.

Talking about the C word is scary. Knowing you've fought it is mind-blowing. Booking surgery with her made me want to pull my hair out, eat all the ice cream in Fresno, drink myself into oblivion, and cry until I'd died of dehydration all at the same time. Dr. Wu moved her practice from Stanford to Fresno because there was no gynecologic/obstetric oncologist in Fresno, and we have such a massive need that she could not meet that need on a part-time basis. She is young, tenacious, and phenomenally gifted. She also is an expert at robotic surgery, so if I didn't want to be in bed for 8-12 weeks again, she was my only option.

My doctor made an agreement with Dr. Wu, we booked surgery, and I waited. Cancer doctors have long waitlists, so because I wasn't dying, I needed to wait. I worked for two months in some pretty intense pain. Luckily we found some good anti-inflammatory medications, and I went to work, did my job, and slept.

The closer I got, the more I realized that a robotic hysterectomy with the cancer guru is not what every girl wants for her 34th birthday. But it is what I really want. I want to be healthy and live my life. I want to go back to school, finish my degree and teach. I want others to know that, even if life hands you a crappy hand, you play that hand and sometimes you win.

Just remember, life is meant to be hard. It's meant to be a place of learning and growth. The harder things get, the more we learn and grow. If it feels like an AP class, good! Life is giving you the type of growth that will make you a God or Goddess someday. Learn from it. Work. Pray. Repeat. The rewards are worth it!