Third Time's the Charm

The last three weeks have not been for the faint of heart. I mustered all my intestinal fortitude and decided that now is the time to put pen to paper, so to speak.

I am currently dealing with post-op infection number three. Infections one and two occurred simultaneously and kept me pretty busy. With no time to think about this final change, I laid in bed, slept, drank old people chocolate shakes (not as bad as some things I've forced down), and let ultra strength antibiotics ravage my body for a week and a half. Scott lived on leftovers, food from ward members, and the best freezer meals I've ever eaten.

For those who helped, thank you again.

This infection is different. Blessed with time to see my hair start to fall out, feel crazy, and experience loss and grief along with the terror of "what's next?" swirling through my head, the last thing I needed or wanted was time to lay in bed and feel like crap.

I went to my doctor's office/workplace Friday to confirm the recurrence of infection two, and our office manager's only question was, "Why aren't you back at work yet?" Instead of gorking her eyes out a la Three Stooges, I explained that I am still not well enough to come back and haven't been released by my surgeon.

As soon as I left the office, I beat myself up. That nasty voice in my head said, you should be back at work now. You're such a lightweight. Three weeks is plenty of time to be off. You're a failure. You're going to get fired because you can't come back to work in time. Get your act together.

By the time I got home from that appointment, I felt that I could never succeed at anything. I laid back down on my bed, and I saw a sign that sits on my dresser. The quote on the sign reads, "Always remember, you are braver than you know, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think, and loved more than you know (Jeffrey R. Holland)."  As I stared at that wooden sign, a quiet, peaceful thought came to me. I remembered that regardless of what one person says, there is Someone else who knows perfectly who I am, where I've been, the heartaches I've felt, the battles I've fought at valiantly won, and the great successes that lie ahead of me. He is my Heavenly Father. He knows me and loves me infinitely and perfectly.

That calm reassurance reminded me that, however long and hard the road, I can and will succeed as long as I trust Heavenly Father to guide and direct my path.