Conquering the world

So, I got a job and my blog went to pot.

Par for the course.

However, I have learned so much in the last month. I knew I was going to get my current job a month ago, but I refused to blog about it because I was also sure that if I said anything to anyone, I would fail. We're talking fall flat on my face, get kicked out the back door, never work again type of fail.

I've learned that one of my greatest fears is a fear of failure. I am a perfectionist by nature. It is part and parcel of living with obsessive tendencies and anxiety. I'm afraid that people judge me too harshly, that people don't like me, that I will never taste success, that I will never accomplish the goals I set for myself, and this list goes on into eternity. I then proceed to obsess about my list. Every time I say something and people laugh, I think, are they laughing with me or at me? When I answer a question in a class, I think, did that sound like I'm a know-it-all? When someone asks if I need help, I think, do they think I don't know what I'm doing?

These fears have been reaffirmed as I've worked to learn a new job in a new field. I've been a receptionist about ten million times, I worked answering the phones for almost ten years, but I know nothing about medicine, and I really know nothing about having babies. (By the way, obstetrics and gynecology is GROSS, and the older a woman gets, the GROSSER it gets!) Consequently, I'm learning a lot. This means I need to ask questions - a lot. I need to do this while I am working. I also need to do this while women call me, in a panic, convinced that they are dying. In reality, they are not. I also have to ask them difficult, gross personal questions. I ask things like, how heavily are you bleeding from your vagina, how often do you have intercourse, how many partners do you have, are they male, female, or both, and, my personal favorite, what color is your vaginal discharge?

Then I am supposed to know what this information means and if a patient should see a doctor. I don't really know when I am supposed to see a doctor. I waited until my ovary twisted on itself and died to do that.

At any rate, most of the people I work with are great, and they help me navigate this new position with care and compassion. However, there is one person in the office who likes to have her hand in everyone else's pot, stirring when they want to turn on the hand blender.  That gets messy. Today, she ran from her office to the front desk hollering, "Wait, wait, wait! You can't do that!" at me. Needless to say, all those little questions come creeping up in my mind.

We are also transitioning to a new electronic medical records system right now. This means that we get to go to a vendor's office and have software training! I taught software training for 5 years, and I wrote course material for software training. Our instructor is great, but some of our staff are "resistant to change" (read - they are dinosaurs and have no clue how to use automated systems), which makes the learning experience frustrating. I have already been asked why I do things a certain way for one system. (Aimee, why do you put details about consent on the consent page?)

On a positive note, I am learning that I can work through my obsessions and anxiety. They don't cripple me. I can talk to myself (Not out loud. I'm not crazy.) and remind myself that I'm in control. It also helps that I go home at night, eat dinner, go to bed, and sleep. Then, when I wake up, my husband makes me oatmeal, lets me sleep in for 20 minutes, and makes sure I have clean clothes for work.

I feel so proud that, even though I get up some days and think, I can't do this, I make it through every day and get up the next day to do it again. I am proud that I am healthy enough to work. I take pride in my work, and I take a personal interest in my patients. I care for them. I pray for them. I love getting to know them.

I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the hand of God in this process. I pray to Him constantly for strength to overcome my weaknesses, help to remember what I need to do each day, serenity, patience, health, and so much more. I know it might sound trite, super Christian, or any other number of things, but I am so grateful that He is always there. I couldn't make it through a workday without His help.

I babysat my nephews while my sister ran a Ragnar the week before Easter, and I reminded them that they can pray to Heavenly Father for anything at any time. While I was there, I was scared that something might happen that I couldn't handle. I prayed in the middle of the night, and I instantly felt peace, knowing that Heavenly Father has always helped me handle things that I knew I couldn't handle alone. I love the quote above from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. Sometimes the road is so difficult that we know we cannot move forward even one step, but we need not give up. We never walk the difficult path of life alone. There are always better days to come. We just have to trust and believe in good things to come.

I know that there are an abundance of cutesy quotes in this blog post. This is not normal, as those who read my blog are aware. Many of you may not know that I love cutesy quotes and rely on them during my most difficult times. I save them on my phone and my computer. I save them on Facebook and Instagram, and I follow uplifting accounts on social media. I do this intentionally so that when life really sucks and I am falling into the black abyss, I can quickly remind myself of the important truths life offers me. It keeps me from looking for an alternate solution to my suffering. Try it. Keep them on your phone, your computer, put them up around your house, follow positive feeds online, find quotes you love on Pinterest as well. Then when life really sucks, you've got an arsenal to combat your suffering. Let me know how it works!